Life is a journey, and the cycle of my life is hitting bottom right now. Actually everything seems so fantastic with me: a decent job making me the envy of my peers, warm colleagues who always lend me a helping hand when I am in need, and lovely classmates who always made my day and have been a source of meaning to my present life. Perhaps I should be content with all these blessings, but the truth is my life has never been such totally a mess.
Everything is brand new: moving into a new apartment with the arrival of my dear parents, a new semester and new courses, and March, a new month, Monday, a new week. I have long been so desperately eager for a fresh start. But I fizzled, I gave up. I cannot even keep the promise I made to myself. I used to make a bold attempt to get myself all psyched up with a positive mental attitude, but it didn’t work, I returned to my old self sooooo quickly. Nothing has changed: my sleeplessness, my low efficiency, my unnecessary worries and worthless waste of time, and my regret for the past and my uncertainty for the future.
I am an amazing all-inclusive mix of all human weakness you can name: timid, pessimistic, emotional, sentimental, oversensitive,no confidence, no determination, no discipline, no willpower, no courage, no integrity of personality, whatever. My inner self is totally different with what I look, I mean, at least I look quite NORMAL I know all the stuff is no big deal, but I just cannot get over it. Although there are no tears in my eyes, my heart has kept bleeding.
I know everything, at least I’m clear “to save time is to lengthen life” “uncertainty is not necessarily a bad thing” “Heaven helps those who help themselves” “we should better struggle for the future rather than to regret for the past” “simply do my best and I can avoid any self-abuse and judgement”. I tried a thousand times to do so but in vain. In face with such a mountain of affairs, I should have been highly intensive and committed heart and soul, but, I’m losing my heart, my soul, my hope, and my sense of meaning and purpose, as well as losing my weight although it doesn’t matter so much.
I would like to say a million sorry to those I should, only if it helps. To the younger brother who insisted attending my class on Saturday even he had other urgent engagement and I had persuaded him to leave earlier, to the younger sister who encouraged me by saying “your class is the only one in which I don’t wanna sleep” (I have replied to her: sorry, perhaps it’s a pity that it is also the only class in which the lecturer himself wants to sleep), to all the young classmates who rely on me for an answer or an solution to their own problems. Buddies, sorry, I cannot even handle mine, I cannot carry through, I cannot live up to your expectations.
Tomorrow is another day. I cannot assure myself what it will hold for me. One thing is sure, if I am unable to change the fabric of my thought, I won’t be able to change the reality and I will never be able to achieve real success. Perhaps I should have been content; at least I still have the greatest asset – myself.
