尘埃落定，回来的短短十几小时内迅速感到了美国带给我的变化，但是内心呢~~就像纪念GRE一样，贴上我的Final Essay，最终还是没有看清identity，没看清自己，即便真情实感又怎样？
Final Eassy :What is the thing that is called "identity"?
Rachel
Identity feels like a magic Rubik’s Cube. When a person was born, it remained in a pristine state. But as a person begins to grow up, he/she meets with different people, so his/her cube starts to turn into a colorful one. Although it seems farraginous as a whole thing, each piece of the cube stays in its own color and will never change. People always feel confused about what the real appearance of their identities are, because at the moment we look at it, it gives us a picture, but at the next moment, it changes silently, without our consciousness, thus it gives us a different picture from the former one when we look at it again. In order to handle these unexpected changes to get the sense of safety, people spend a long time to explore the cube, trying to find the rules they can follow. Maalouf is one of them.
Chapter 1 Meet Maalouf’s Cube
Maalouf lived in Lebanon until he was 27, and then moved to France. He has lived in France for 22 years. When people ask him whether he feels more French or more Lebanese, he always explains his experience patiently, and gives the answer that he feels both French and Lebanese. However, people still want to find out the “exact” feeling of his identity by asking what he really feels deep down inside. Maalouf responds that this question is very dangerous, for it presupposes that there is just one affiliation that really matters, a kind of “fundamental truth” about each individual. In this view, the cube of identity is monochromatic, people are exhorted to seek within themselves that same alleged fundamental. Maalouf criticizes that people should be allowed, if not encouraged, to accept their identity in all its diversity; it represents an enriching and fertile experience. Painting the cube into a simple color is against the rule, for in this way it cannot be called a Rubik’s Cube, and there is no enjoyment in twisting it. It is awful to imagine that people cannot distinguish themselves from others for they possess only one identity and they are the same. Also Maalouf claims that since most people accept that there should be only one affiliation that really matters, people with composite identity are put in the frontier zone between two ethnics or religious. They ought to act as bridges between the various communities, but at present they turn out to be victims of conflicts and massacres. Maalouf feels angry that this situation results from a narrow exclusive, simplistic attitude that reduces identity in all its many aspects to one single affiliation.
I do not agree with Maalouf that we have only one identity with many components. He compresses the three-dimension cube of identity into a two-dimension picture which can not be changed or divided. I claim that one identity has only one component or culture, it cannot be the mixture of different cultures. If we experience a lot of cultures, we own a lot of identities, not just one, but each of them keeps unspoilt, just like the cube: Each piece of the cube can be moved in a haphazard way, but, in whatever way it moves, the color of the piece does not change, what changes is the whole scene of one of the six sides of the cube. In the same way, an identity cannot be the mixture of various components; it is individuals that turn to be the mixture of different pristine identities. If, as Maalouf says, an individual has only one composite identity which cannot be compartmentalized to present only some part of it, he/she will be treated as an alien wherever he/she lives. However, people hardly accept an alien with different identity from them as their compatriot without conflicts. Although some parts of the alien’s identity may be the same as the local people’s, conflicts can still not be avoided once they sense other parts of the alien’s identity which, as Maalouf claims, cannot be divided from the former part. It easily leads to fights or massacre if individuals possess different identities.
So, the best way to stay with people is to show the same identity with them. To make this possible, I have to challenge Maalouf’s idea that we have only one composite identity which cannot be divided. Identity is not a mixed picture, it is three-dimensional, we have many identities each of which is pure with no other culture mixed in it. The only same opinion we seems to have is that one identity cannot be divided into parts. But, by this claim, he emphasizes that a person has just one identity as an integrant thing, while I focus on the undefiled property of each identity since we can have many identities which are detached from each other.
Maalouf often feels that he is pushed onto the frontier of different cultures. It is not others’ faults that they act like a murderer, because to distinguish xenic person from brackets is by the light of nature, in order to protect themselves. So, to get along well with local people, it depends on how an individual show his/her identity to others. It is unrealistic to force others to change their opinions, what we can do as a mixture of various identities is to adjust ourselves by showing a suitable side of the cube to different people, in order to live peacefully with them.
While everyone tangles with his own identity with efforts, the public as outsiders can take his changing cube as a novel thing. Since every cube twists in different ways, and they seldom own the same sides, people are curious about other cubes’ appearances. It depends to owners whether they are willing to show their cubes. Some sides of the cubes are very private, while some sides are easy to display. What owners show must be something they are ready to show, no matter they feel sure, or not, about this part. Stories touch people’s cubes of identity tenderly, they bridge the outside world and one’s own identity.
Chapter 2 Show your own Cube
In one of our writing classes, a student said she did not want to share the story she wrote. I treated this as a signal that she was not ready to show some part of her identity, because she said it was too private. The story she wrote might not be important to us. However, it was really crucial to the author, according to her reaction. In fact, the story she wrote was something about love; she seemed get hurt or impressed by the experience. Love is always the most hidden identity in one’s heart, so huge courage is needed to show one’s love stories to others.
We can observe that on that day, three students read their stories which were all feelings easy to share with others, such as loneliness, pressure, friendship. These are very common topics, so it is much easier to show these sides of the cube of identity to the public. But even if the topics were easy, we found that students were not as active as usual at first. It revealed that students preferred not to share themselves, because the sudden requirement of showing a story to others left limited time for them to get ready to show their identities. However, it took less time for these students than for others to adjust their thoughts, so after long silence, they were ready to read their stories.
But love is a sensitive topic. Although one can share other feelings or experiences in a short time, it is not easy to share one’s own love stories to others. People feel unsafe if they expose their stories in an unprepared state. One of my favorite actresses, Joe Chan, writes a book about her life and career in entertainment circles. In her book, she mentions that it really provokes her when reporters try to seek her private feelings about other actors. Sometimes the stories were true, but even when they were telling the truth, she felt very shocked and uneasy to know that her dating with other actors was reported. She does not mean to hide her feeling, but the precondition is that she should be given time to get ready for the exposure, for every report reveals some part of her identity which she may be unwilling to show.
In the preface of her book, she writes: “Some words, which I have never told, are now recorded, in my own way… These are the traces which prove that I ever existed in this world… How big the world is; how tiny I am… For me, this is perhaps not a book, but a dialogue deep in my heart…”
She has to make decision whether she is willing to share her Rubik’s Cube with the public. The book itself is a publication she is ready to share. So, although there is a chapter which talks about her own love stories, the content or the stories in it does not result in her uncomfortable feeling.
The topic of love or loneliness or friendship is just one source of writing stories. It reveals one side of the cube people are sure about themselves. Besides, people can also write down stories related to their uncertain part of their identities. Ancient Chinese were good at telling stories expressing their confusion about their location in the society. In Wei and Jin Dynasty, the society was in a turbulent period; poets often lost in some perplexity. They felt scared and hopeless about the situation, the cube of their identity twisted frequently every time when they met some paupers or dying soldiers, yet they did not know what to do to make some better changes. Meanwhile it was impossible for them to show the feelings directly, for that would draw the tyrant’s attention which was not a lucky thing. So, they had to use some other things like animals or plants to represent themselves or other individuals. By telling stories of these things, they showed their confused side of the Rubik’s Cube. Confusion was the uncertain part of their identity, poets did not know who were they themselves, how public would see them through their poems, and also they could not predict in what way the public would react. Yet, although it was uncertain, the poets were surely eager to present their confusion which was part of their identity to the society. In fact, the two dynasties turn out to be the most fruitful periods of history in terms of poems. This all resulted from poets’ vigor in discovering their confusion and fondness of displaying it.
So, it does not matter that a person is not sure about his/her identity. It is normal that the Cube of identity shifts without one’s consciousness. To tell a story, he/she just need the willingness. By reading one’s story, the public peeks into his/her identity shown in a story which can be either a certain part he/she has already recognized, or an uncertain part which waits for others to discuss and comment. Whatever it presents, the story must be something that the author gets ready to show, not in a hurried way, but in a deliberate way.
However the Rubik’s Cube switches, there exists an axis which is unchanged. All the rest 26 pieces are around this sole axis in the center of the cube, no matter in what directions they transform. That is the traits that we were born with. They lead us to the looks we appear nowadays. As time goes by, we may find ourselves changing, but the core is always there, unaltered. When we feel unsure of ourselves, or confused about problems we are facing, trying to take a look at those unchanged traits, which is the axis, seems a good way to figure out a solution.
Chapter 3 The truth about Rachel’s Cube
I divide my Cube into many parts. But all other parts originate from some permanent properties hidden in the core, such as I am a female, I was born in 1988, I come from China, I am the only child in my family, etc. These are the facts I can not alter. My personality is formed in this environment. My parents hold the view that girls have a shorter childhood to enjoy life than boys. Since I was a little girl and the only child, my parents treasured me more. They provided me everything I wanted, and brought me to many places around the country. They hoped that I would have a great memory of childhood after I grew up. So in my childhood, everything went well. I had plenty of toys, and I did not bother to ask for money, for there was always money in my pocket. They talked to me tenderly, and seldom got angry at me. I thought the world was wonderful, everyone was kind. So I am a mild person now, much less aggressive than most people. Besides, I am fond of characters from Disneyland, and it is a habit for me to live with those cute pets; because they accompanied me during the whole childhood, and it always reminds me of the wonderful past in my life. You may think that I was spoiled by my parents. Unfortunately, you are wrong.
They told me the correct attitude to survive in an unconscious way. When I was brought home after school, my father began to sit in front of the table, reviewing his students’ homework or reading some mathematics books. Then I always imitated him, sitting down beside him, doing my homework or reading some books too. In this way, I turned into a hard-working student, for I had patience and the capacity for calming down my impetuous heart, sitting there to finish things I should do. You may think that I was a quiet and bookish person. Unfortunately, you are wrong again.
My parents travelled with me every 3 months. We would not choose to go shopping or feed some birds in a new place. Often, we climbed mountains, surfed in the sea. On most weekends, we would go to a hill nearby, or just hike around the city. Exercise usually makes people tired or even exhausted. But my father encouraged me to keep going once I wanted to take a rest. Actually, people can bear much more than they have thought. I found out this fact through my exercise. Once I wanted to stop when I felt a little tired, my father encouraged me: “keep walking for another 5 minutes, then we will have a rest.” So I comprised to walk another 5 minutes. Then he said: “We can rest at that blue house, do you see it? It must be much more comfortable to sit there.” So I comprised again to walk another 10 minutes. Then he continued to say something and say something, and I continued to walk and walk and walk until I found that we had already reached the peak of the mountain. This kind of things happened many times. They brought me health, strength, and also taught me that I can achieve whatever I want if I can put up with pain and keep walking. So I’m a corky and optimistic girl now.
With all the characteristics derived from the axis of my Cube, I communicate with people. They can be introvert, extrovert, or even ambivert. I do not care about the whole characteristics of my friends, because it is unrealistic to find someone who matches you in all aspects. I meet friends in different fields, talk with them about specific topics. I just share a limited part of my interests with them. Actually, my friends do the same thing, for we are all the particular combination of some pieces of cubes, not exactly the same. In this way we identify ourselves as a member of many groups, and also a unique individual in the world.
Identity is as complicated and attractive as the fickle Rubik’s Cube. It is really hard to explore the whole characteristics of the Cube. But, like the charming Rubik’s Cube, identity attracts many people to probe, to find a better understanding of not only themselves, but also others and the world.
